1. Do come to the right cinema. Don’t argue that we don’t have your tickets, you should be at our rival up the road. What does it say about you that you have managed to turn up at the wrong cinema? We are not impressed, nor are your family who will now be late for their film.

2. Don’t change your concessions order after we give you your food. We have to write it off as damages and void the order. We won’t like you for that. Our managers blame us when you decide to have a hot dog instead of nachos AFTER we give you your nachos.

3. When we ask you if you would like to “go large for 50p” you say “yes.” We need to get our average sales per person up or get beaten up by the manager.

4. Don’t bring your own food. The smell of a burger in the screen really pisses off the other customers.

5. Do turn up before the actual film starts. If the screen is sold out, your seat is on the front row. No one sits there. And we can hear you moaning in the queue for popcorn but did you allow time for that?

6. Do look at us when you are talking to us. Why do so many customers find it demeaning to look us in the face when we serve them. You get extra ice in your drink for that.

7. Don’t complain at the ridiculous prices at Concessions. Yeh we know. You know why we know? Because we earn less than you.

8. Don’t pretend you are under 15 years old to get a child ticket. We know we’ll see you in the pub afterwards.

9. Don’t tell us the screen is the size of your living room because it isn’t. We know some of our screens seat only 130 people but, hey, there are 12 screens here and that means more choice. That means some of our screens are smaller; you can’t have it both ways.

10. Do respond when we say “Enjoy the Film.” We know we have to say it but we are not robots (well, maybe some of the floor staff are), and we get through our day by having pleasant small talk with our customers. We try to make your visit special but it’s amazing how many of you grumble at the slightest thing.

It’s 3am in the morning and I have spent the last five hours closing the concessions on the cinema. The only thing that stopped me waving goodbye altogether to this miserable job is that tomorrow (or today) is a bank holiday.  I’m not sure whether this is the second job I imagined, and it’s certainly not doing my sleeping pattern any good.  I spent the final two hours with one jabberer and his BO, and another miserable egotist who just moaned about the illegality of it all.  By 2am, having done all the checks my brain could handle I had still missed the checks the others should have done on Pick ‘N Mix and the bar.  Spending the evening training new staff whilst serving overly long queues is not healthy.  The management knew two multifunctionals were going to be off sick but they left us understaffed without a manager on the floor (he was forced to stay in the cash office rather than assist us.

I briefly stop my blog as some arsehole taxi is honking his horn outside!  At this hour!

It is at this hour as I reach for the vodka I contemplate the loneliness of this secondary vocation. Where once my life was fulfilled I now come back to my home in the middle of the night after being on my feet for 9 hours (with a 15 mins break) thinking only of enduring in this mind-numbing job to hold on to my home.  It can take an hour to wind down after such adrenalin-inducing heights from churning out so much coca-cola and sweet popcorn at exorbitant prices.  What to do in such time than contemplate one’s own life.

I don’t know how many customers I served tonight but Indiana Jones has definitely saved the cinema’s bacon.  And the rain helped too.  If only there were another tin of jalapenos in the stock cupboard…

It’s the end of the shift and it’s time to go into the metal plated room otherwise known as the Cash Office. When I take in my float I get that sinking feeling. It’s a bit like going through customs where you have that sensation of being potential guilty without reason. So how did I do? Am I short in which case are my pockets stashed with notes? Have I keyed everything in properly or have I filled in my forms properly to show my mistakes? The money side of the business is the serious side. Firstly, because we are not trusted by default. Secondly, because, on concessions, this is where the real money is made. We are expected to upsell and suggestive sell – if our sales per person is low then we get another bollocking.

Because of the computerised nature of it all myself and others have run up huge amounts of virtual money that has to be tracked back through how sales are recorded. It’s so easy to make mistakes on the Box Office where there are many options for ticket sales to consider: students, senior citizens, disabled people, gift tokens, and more. It is not difficult to work out which button to press but the capacity to miss a particular process is very easy. This creates ghost money on the system and keeps managers guessing.

The real concern is when one’s float is down. Any margin for error in your psychological profile and you are put “under investigation.” That margin can be as little as £3 for one transaction where you made an error of judgement. If you’re face does not fit then it may not be a mistake in the company’s view as one multifunctional found out. No one’ s figures add up but when it runs in to tens or even a hundred pounds then the managers need to make a decision about you. And if you’ve had a run in with the management already then you will get that sinking feeling again.

What is it about popcorn? Today I followed a customer who left a trail of popcorn all the way down the corridor to his screen. Was he bothered? Of course not. Food and drink is not cheap in the cinema yet the wastage is phenomenal. Popcorn is undeniably more-ish but why is it treated so uncaringly. What the heck if so much ends up on the floor? I’ve got so much to eat! So what if I spent a small fortune on it, I knew I would never finish it all. And it’s gets no better with the coke either.

Popcorn is the root of all evil for multifunctionals. They just know where small kids or young teenagers are involved the screen is going to be swimming in the stuff. Have you ever tried sweeping up popcorn off a carpet? Food of the devil.

It’s a Saturday afternoon and Step Up 2 and Meet the Spartans is bringing in the kids and young teenagers. The latter group bring in their own food: Pringles and crisps in general are popular – we don’t sell crisps.

Three weeks in to the job Multifunctionals are being gently pushed into areas they excel at: there are a couple of level headed women on the box office; a couple of men on the bar; one woman regularly on Concessions. The rest are being moved between concessions and the floor. Box Office requires a little knowledge and experience to overcome the wide range of obscure options – it can be off-putting messing about with coupons and cards. Concessions is not popular because the queues build up suddenly and customers, late for their film, get arsey. And the hot dogs are hated. Pick ‘n’ Mix is frankly boring – stood around with few customers hours on end. The bar is also a careful choice – some woman cannot pull a pint.

The Floor is a poisoned chalice, cleaning screens is the worst option in the cinema – but is preferred by some to serving food. Being on the Drop Box is a misunderstood role and many get into deep trouble with the bosses. They think it’s an easy option ripping tickets until they have strips torn off them for dirty screens and crowded corridors.

It may be Sunday but I am still asked to start my shift at 8.30am. I arrive before then as expected and there’s no one around. It’s literally freezing out here and snowing. Some kids in the bus station ask me who I work for and assume I am a manager. An obvious view on the world when you take age and ethnicity into account.

A duty manager appears 10 minutes into my shift to let me in. There is one other multifunctional upstairs but she crept through an open fire door (not that it should have been open). We crack on with the concessions preparing it for the day. A new guy has started and asks what to do. He is brand new and has had no formal training apparently, there is no supervisor to either introduce him or guide him, he’s just there surviving on that initial motivation. I doubt that will last once he sees how things work around here.

A group of kids arrive and go down to the duty manager in the cash office to ask what to do and get sent to us. The concessions is now crowded with half of us trying to set it up and the other half filling time. Eventually the general manager appears and I have someone to alert what we are are low on, in particular popcorn. That concerns him.

We have two members of staff sick on a Sunday. Not good – there is no one on the floor to clean up the screens. I set up my concessions till and immediately get pulled off onto Box Office. I set my till up there and get literally 5 minutes training and a radio for help. The young woman on box office is put on concessions – she has also never worked on box office but would struggle with its complexity of ticket options. I struggle with the ticket options with a steady stream of customers in the morning coming up with many varieties. Consequently the radio is busy with pleas for assistance and I learn by jumping in the deep end. My voids list and refunds list begin to lengthen because the manager rushes through the till screens to fix my problem and then escapes – he has no time to show me what to do.

The fun part of the day is the general voucher from the mall for use in the cinema. It may only be to the value of five pounds but the wording on the back of the voucher is ambiguous and he has managed to get his kids in for free with it. The general relents and I can put through every customer that day for free on this ticket. That’s a lot of lost revenue but luckily the offer runs out soon.

It’s not only snowing outside but there is gale blowing through the automatic doors as they open all they way up to the box office. With a wall mounted heater blowing out lukewarm air it is freezing. Despite being promised fleeces a month ago there are none and we are freezing our nuts off down here

It’s a slow day with the snow outside. Some of the first films of the day are empty. Horten Hears a Who, 10,000 BC and Meet the Spartens attract interest only. The highlight of the afternoon are three teenage travellers causing a commotion in The Other Boleyn Girl, and then frantically asking me for their money back after 25 minutes into the picture because they’ve had a call saying their mom is in hospital having a baby. They get their money back and are asked not to return. They wander into the Bowling Alley and re-appear 10 minutes later arguing with each other. Three older teenage traveller girls turn up dressed up ready for business and go into see the same film until they are ejected for being caught smoking in the toilets.

Out of about fifty multifunctionals the rumour is 15 have already left. Motivation is clearly low as we grasp what we should be doing now the support from managers in other sites have gone and we are on our own. With one manager on duty during the day he is stretched with no supervisors to organise.

During training the management informed us we could apply for supervisory role after a couple of months learning the job and getting some experience behind us. After only two weeks and not yet gained experience in all areas of the job (floor, concessions, pick and mix, VIP lounge, and bar) we are being asked to apply for the supervisory role. With a new group of multifunctionals starting soon, probably without full formal training, they urgently need some leaders in the pack.

Outside the box office but up on the first floor inside the mall the rain drips steadily onto the marble floor. Its a brand new building and its failed the first rain shower test.

Today I start on concessions. Word is out this is the place not to be: long queues, customer aggravation and ice cream to prepare. But this is where the cinema makes its profits. This is where the upsell (“go large for 50p?”) and suggestive sell (“chocolates with your popcorn?”) must be built in as well as remembering all the food, drink, confectionery, ice cream and coffee. It’s daunting. But the approach is you have done the training (for about an hour as a group in a different cinema a fortnight ago) so you know what to do. The external managers and supervisors from other have no guidance from the internal managers and have been left to run the place. It’s crucial to gradually bed in staff: watch the manager, support the manager and then the manager watches and supports you. But no. No time. Watch me for five minutes and then your on your own. There is no price sheet. I have no idea how to log in and despite being shown by a manager she still fails to get it right herself and I get the blame at the end of the day.

Two staff are missing today. One turns up and the other goes AWOL. So the bar stays shut till more staff arrive at lunchtime. The kid on the checkbox tears his hair out as he has few colleagues to clean the screens and managers are missing. The rain means it’s a slow day until the afternoon. 10,000 BC is popular. Some films such as The Other Boleyn Girl are quiet except for a few women leaving the end of the film crying. The beheading clearly did it for them.

A customer wants some jalapenos on his nachos. But the can opener is missing. Then it’s found but doesn’t work. Eventually it’s sorted out. But the customer has gone, disgruntled, by then. So why is there only one can opener in this place?

Eventually, we run out of popcorn and I am put on the popcorn kettle. The manager reassures it’s okay for another kid to use my float. The kettle may be new but one of the two kettles is still bust. I have never been shown how to boot one up and the poor internal supervisor is as perplexed as me. I figure it out in the end and off we go. It’s noisy, boring and repetitive, and not popular with the kids, but hey, it’s a break from some of the more boring jobs: making up the nachos trays. Now how boring is that?

It’s time to go and a kid has been asked to make popcorn. He calls me over as he and the internal supervisor are struggling – the kettle won’t heat up. I explain he has left the oil switch on and its flooded the kettle. If staff had been properly inducted into the job then there would not be problems like with the popcorn kettle.

It’s busy and I can’t get off my station. I eventually take my float and two external manager decide to escort me down to the cash office – there is no tube available to send it down. I then get told off for not coming down and collecting a tube. I bite my tongue. I have no silver so I get told off again for not having cash changing skills. I want to slap this patronising upstart. I then get told off for letting another kid use my float. I want to let rip but she then praises me on my sales per person.

It was anarchy on legs. I had just checked every screen’s fire exits, came out of the final screen to be confronted by a confused and annoyed mob of parents with their children blocking the whole corridor. Some had tickets, some claimed they were told by box office they did not need them. All thought it was a mess. We had no radios to ask anyone. We didn’t have managers at first. The customers were crowded outside one screen for three different films. And for no obvious reason. What was going on at the drop box? Why were they not queueing inside the tensile barrier? The day had just begun.

Its Saturday morning, the supervisor is hung over from all nite clubbing. I turn up and am asked what I want to do today – so I go for the floor. No game plan of what we all should be doing then. A multi functional is missing and won’t turn up till midday claiming his drunken flat mates kept him awake till late. No mention of an alarm clock there. Eventually a manager turns up and the annoyed crowd is split into three and directed to their movie auditorium. Thank goodness they are not paying today.

Saturday morning is Juniors Day and parents get in free today as a one-off for its launch. It’s normally a pound a film and it’s going to be a hit. Children are going to eat a lot of popcorn – not all of it because the auditorium will be a mess with the rest – and drink a lot of coke. So the real money is made on concessions. That’s a heck of a lot of children hyper on fizzy drinks.

When customers arrive with their tickets at the drop box there is nothing to work with at first. Then I am given a manila envelope to put receipts in. Then lists of what films are on where and when the come out so they can be cleaned. But the supervisor is freaking out because there is no game plan. Managers and supervisors from other sites take it in turns to impart their knowledge and how things should be done but it’s all conflicting. I go off to close screens for cleaning and when four films end at the same time we are harangued by different supervisors and managers to clean different screens as customers attempt to wander in. But it’s all our fault.

I get to have a break during the day by asking for one – there is no schedule of when staff take breaks. One loser is threatening to walk because he can’t have a break after only one hour on shift and is deeply unhappy about having to wait two more.

I am happy to stay on the floor – no one working seems to know what to do on the Ben and Jerries ice cream counter. We’ve all had the training but there is no substitute for the real thing and the approach here is clearly thus 1) get allocated a role, 2) stand there and panic, 3) do something – anything – when approached and asked by a customer, 4) confirm you have been trained when questioned by a supervisor/manager, but that was for under an hour about 2-3 weeks ago, and 5) five minutes with a manager and get on with it.

Concessions feels the pain of being thrown in the deep end. At the Drop Box I implore customers to enjoy their film as I rip their tickets but they grumble about being late as concessions is slow. The lack of staff means the managers from other sites actually have to do some work rather than wander round giving confusing advice. It’s welcome to see one out on the floor with a dustpan and brush.

Nothing goes to plan but, hey, there is no game plan. A cubicle in the ladies is a mess so I close it. A urinal in the Gents is flooded but it’s not overflowing so that’s okay. A supervisor asks two of the male multifunctionals to sort out one of the ladies and they bluff her by saying they can’t. She reports them. Hilariously, male managers end up unblocking a toilet in the ladies.

At some point there needs to be leadership from within the staff of the site, not those from other sites, there needs to be trained supervisors quickly, otherwise, the kids will lose heart and give up bothering out of loss of motivation.

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