Okay, so it’s midweek and nothing is happening in the film world to coax in the crowds.  So what could possibly go wrong?

First up, invite your loyal customers in to a screen without a film showing and let them sit there until one of them walks out and asks you what is going on ?  So your film reel turns up late and it’s in a state but, hey, don’t forget to tell the Operational Manager will you?

Secondly, promote your leading product, unlimited films, with your computer terminal laughing at your customers.  So your equipment sits there and refuses to give the customers there ID number but enjoys the fun of taking their bank and card details.

Don’t have enough staff on the shift to keep your costs down and get them to do two jobs at once.  So when your popcorn monkeys just don’t show up (some may be physically sick, others maybe sick of work) you can’t open your underperforming bar or look after your VIP customers.

Promote your latest Sex and The City Film by asking your customers to book ahead and then switch screens without telling them.  This is the fun part. A group of high maintenance ladies organise their big night out together, babysitters (apparently), the lot.  They turn up and the card machines are not working (again) so they have to get the box office staff to print out their tickets.  Now the box office staff know the Sexy City film has been switched to another screen (in favour of The Incredible Hulk would ya believe it) so the customers – who have VIP tickets – should be told they will have to sit with the riff raff now.  No chance.  So off they go, buying their popcorn, getting escorted up to their VIP Box (hang on a minute, anyone checked their tickets???), sit down to see……a big green ugly man.

The films on tonight may bedesultory (21, Fools Gold, Pathology…..) but it’s busy. Very busy.  On Box Office the two of us pull in high takings as the queue never dies down.  Curiously, with the high traffic the management have stopped showing films after 10pm.  This may be because of low attendance (except for staff) and the cost of keeping staff on site through the night.

There are lots of rules in the Box Office and how these are applied is largely down the discretion of firstly the multifunctional on the box, secondly, the manager on duty that night, and thirdly how the rule is recorded.  Rules on Box Office are very important to give backbone to the authority of the Multifunctional but needs to applied with a liberal dose of common sense and consistency from the duty managers.  Sadly, the latter is badly missing in this building.

The queues are long and yet customers still turn up after a film has actually started.  That’s half an hour after the programme time allowing for up to 20 minutes of previews and trailors.  Now everyone knows the beginning of film not only sets the scene: the plot, the characters and the mood, notably it gives the viewer basic information for the rest of the film, in particular the characters.  So why on earth do people think it is okay turning up late?  Company policy is very simple: turn up late and you piss off the rest of the audience so, no, you not going to be let in.  After a lengthy wait this older middle class and rather short-tempered gentleman attempts to see a film that has already started and is indignent when refused. After a tour of other films on offer, unfortunately including what has already started, he storms off in a huff.

To my disbelief the dour Scottish Duty Manager then ticks us off on the radio.  Yes we can let that horrible man in to a film late as long as we inform him of the times.  I expect the overworked manager has backed down for a quiet life.

It seems the world is a student and aged 14 years old.  The student rate is for students and if you are a student then you will have proof.  Yes there is a grey area for 15-16 year olds at secondary school who are technically students but schools don’t provide ID like further education institutions do so the child is technically an adult in our view.  But the point is practically every young person tries it on. And I mean almost all of them.  It’s a badge of honour to the point that the young women with these have-a-goers (and they are typically young men) get very pissed off with them.  The rules of the house are very simple: no ID no student rate.  No Buts.  No ignorant looks.  No coy smiles from the girls.  Well, maybe.

It’s the end of the shift and it’s time to go into the metal plated room otherwise known as the Cash Office. When I take in my float I get that sinking feeling. It’s a bit like going through customs where you have that sensation of being potential guilty without reason. So how did I do? Am I short in which case are my pockets stashed with notes? Have I keyed everything in properly or have I filled in my forms properly to show my mistakes? The money side of the business is the serious side. Firstly, because we are not trusted by default. Secondly, because, on concessions, this is where the real money is made. We are expected to upsell and suggestive sell – if our sales per person is low then we get another bollocking.

Because of the computerised nature of it all myself and others have run up huge amounts of virtual money that has to be tracked back through how sales are recorded. It’s so easy to make mistakes on the Box Office where there are many options for ticket sales to consider: students, senior citizens, disabled people, gift tokens, and more. It is not difficult to work out which button to press but the capacity to miss a particular process is very easy. This creates ghost money on the system and keeps managers guessing.

The real concern is when one’s float is down. Any margin for error in your psychological profile and you are put “under investigation.” That margin can be as little as £3 for one transaction where you made an error of judgement. If you’re face does not fit then it may not be a mistake in the company’s view as one multifunctional found out. No one’ s figures add up but when it runs in to tens or even a hundred pounds then the managers need to make a decision about you. And if you’ve had a run in with the management already then you will get that sinking feeling again.

What is it about popcorn? Today I followed a customer who left a trail of popcorn all the way down the corridor to his screen. Was he bothered? Of course not. Food and drink is not cheap in the cinema yet the wastage is phenomenal. Popcorn is undeniably more-ish but why is it treated so uncaringly. What the heck if so much ends up on the floor? I’ve got so much to eat! So what if I spent a small fortune on it, I knew I would never finish it all. And it’s gets no better with the coke either.

Popcorn is the root of all evil for multifunctionals. They just know where small kids or young teenagers are involved the screen is going to be swimming in the stuff. Have you ever tried sweeping up popcorn off a carpet? Food of the devil.

It’s a Saturday afternoon and Step Up 2 and Meet the Spartans is bringing in the kids and young teenagers. The latter group bring in their own food: Pringles and crisps in general are popular – we don’t sell crisps.

Three weeks in to the job Multifunctionals are being gently pushed into areas they excel at: there are a couple of level headed women on the box office; a couple of men on the bar; one woman regularly on Concessions. The rest are being moved between concessions and the floor. Box Office requires a little knowledge and experience to overcome the wide range of obscure options – it can be off-putting messing about with coupons and cards. Concessions is not popular because the queues build up suddenly and customers, late for their film, get arsey. And the hot dogs are hated. Pick ‘n’ Mix is frankly boring – stood around with few customers hours on end. The bar is also a careful choice – some woman cannot pull a pint.

The Floor is a poisoned chalice, cleaning screens is the worst option in the cinema – but is preferred by some to serving food. Being on the Drop Box is a misunderstood role and many get into deep trouble with the bosses. They think it’s an easy option ripping tickets until they have strips torn off them for dirty screens and crowded corridors.

Outside the box office but up on the first floor inside the mall the rain drips steadily onto the marble floor. Its a brand new building and its failed the first rain shower test.

Today I start on concessions. Word is out this is the place not to be: long queues, customer aggravation and ice cream to prepare. But this is where the cinema makes its profits. This is where the upsell (“go large for 50p?”) and suggestive sell (“chocolates with your popcorn?”) must be built in as well as remembering all the food, drink, confectionery, ice cream and coffee. It’s daunting. But the approach is you have done the training (for about an hour as a group in a different cinema a fortnight ago) so you know what to do. The external managers and supervisors from other have no guidance from the internal managers and have been left to run the place. It’s crucial to gradually bed in staff: watch the manager, support the manager and then the manager watches and supports you. But no. No time. Watch me for five minutes and then your on your own. There is no price sheet. I have no idea how to log in and despite being shown by a manager she still fails to get it right herself and I get the blame at the end of the day.

Two staff are missing today. One turns up and the other goes AWOL. So the bar stays shut till more staff arrive at lunchtime. The kid on the checkbox tears his hair out as he has few colleagues to clean the screens and managers are missing. The rain means it’s a slow day until the afternoon. 10,000 BC is popular. Some films such as The Other Boleyn Girl are quiet except for a few women leaving the end of the film crying. The beheading clearly did it for them.

A customer wants some jalapenos on his nachos. But the can opener is missing. Then it’s found but doesn’t work. Eventually it’s sorted out. But the customer has gone, disgruntled, by then. So why is there only one can opener in this place?

Eventually, we run out of popcorn and I am put on the popcorn kettle. The manager reassures it’s okay for another kid to use my float. The kettle may be new but one of the two kettles is still bust. I have never been shown how to boot one up and the poor internal supervisor is as perplexed as me. I figure it out in the end and off we go. It’s noisy, boring and repetitive, and not popular with the kids, but hey, it’s a break from some of the more boring jobs: making up the nachos trays. Now how boring is that?

It’s time to go and a kid has been asked to make popcorn. He calls me over as he and the internal supervisor are struggling – the kettle won’t heat up. I explain he has left the oil switch on and its flooded the kettle. If staff had been properly inducted into the job then there would not be problems like with the popcorn kettle.

It’s busy and I can’t get off my station. I eventually take my float and two external manager decide to escort me down to the cash office – there is no tube available to send it down. I then get told off for not coming down and collecting a tube. I bite my tongue. I have no silver so I get told off again for not having cash changing skills. I want to slap this patronising upstart. I then get told off for letting another kid use my float. I want to let rip but she then praises me on my sales per person.